my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
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My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Who.
Did.
This?
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house