Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”

Anyways it was Eminem.

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*