Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha

ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.