My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
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My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going