My dad’s son is like a brother to me.
You Might Also Like
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
mmm onion ringos
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”
Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will