My dad’s son is like a brother to me.
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Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’