My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
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*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.