My daily affirmation
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HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Good morning
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.