My daily affirmation
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i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
men are simple creatures
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction