My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
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When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
I am HOWLING at this
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?