My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
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Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.