My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
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Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.