Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.