My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
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New Year’s hottest club is…Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.