My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
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football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
good work, everybody
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
