My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
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My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
What the dentist sees
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.