my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
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Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.