I’m just going to cut out the middle man and start cashing my paychecks at the liquor store.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
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**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Tiger Woods: Nobody could screw up their career the way I did last weekend.
Kathy Griffin: Hold my beer.
Bill Maher: Mind if I join you?
When we draw birds we basically just draw flying mustaches.
It’s like my doctor always says “holy shit, you’re still alive?”
2000: First cell phone. Downloads 100s of ringtones and custom notifications.
2017: Buys new cell phone. Mutes it right out of the box.
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
captions that need to die:
“so i did a thing”
“today was ok” –a photo of a situation that is clearly more than ok
“he’s alright I guess”