god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
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*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Wife: Where are the kids?
Me *turns off router*
[from down the hallway]
Me: They’re in their rooms.
If your zodiac sign is asparagus don’t even bother being my friend because I’m a caprisun and we are not compatible
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Me: Ready for school?
7yo: [in only underwear with pants tied around his neck like a scarf & a sock on each hand] Almost