@AndyAsAdjective

my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”

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@kwirkyKerri

I’m just going to cut out the middle man and start cashing my paychecks at the liquor store.

@Fred_Delicious

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

@1evilidiot

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

@TEN_GOP

Tiger Woods: Nobody could screw up their career the way I did last weekend.

Kathy Griffin: Hold my beer.

Bill Maher: Mind if I join you?

@DaddyJew

It’s like my doctor always says “holy shit, you’re still alive?”

@FeelParmesan

2000: First cell phone. Downloads 100s of ringtones and custom notifications.

2017: Buys new cell phone. Mutes it right out of the box.

@cwhudson

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

@shannonlaynee

captions that need to die:

“so i did a thing”
“today was ok” –a photo of a situation that is clearly more than ok
“he’s alright I guess”