my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
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There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.