Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop