My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
You Might Also Like
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
First I was a pebble..
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?