Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok