My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
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My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.