My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
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Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.