My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
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7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I don’t make the rules sorry