My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
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Story of my life…..
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”