My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
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I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.