My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
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How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”