My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
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Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Is….Is this an option?
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”