Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

uncle dave has been through hell

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

let’s hear it for plates that are bowls

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

Tell the colonel to bring it

Google Pay be like:

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face