My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
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Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
🙋♀️
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go