Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

ㅤ

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does