The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
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[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Hero horse inspires millions
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
meanwhile over on facebook
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
He just like my cat fr
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Me too 😆
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*