Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

The most common things I say to my kids, by store:

Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”

Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”

Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

それは草

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there

Good advice.

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

🤣

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce

Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?

Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

Wise advice