Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!

Bank: You mean money?

*giggles*
Oh, bother…

– Pooh robbing a bank

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

*mops up wine with cat*

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

me and my fake scenarios