[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
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Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
sweet dreams💖
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”