My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
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‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place