My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
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You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.