my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
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[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated