Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.

Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.

You saw nothing. I am ham.

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.