my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
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I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
there has never been a better use of this meme
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian