my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
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Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess