my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
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waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
it must be school picture day
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.