my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
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If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury