Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..