Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

Jus’ sayin. 😐

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout

Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in

Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm