My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
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Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
I was up all night reading about insomnia