My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Still my favourite meme.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH