My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
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My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?