@MartaEffing

My date told me he was 32 years old. I responded by saying, ‘that’s how many teeth adult humans have’.

I sure hope he asks me out again.

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@newportdaddy

Michelle Obama & Melania Trump meeting:

*shaking hands*
Michelle: Hi, I’m Michelle.
Melania: Hi, I’m Michelle.

@Rollmaninoz

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

@david8hughes

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

@TheAlexP

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

@TheDairylandDon

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

@NrouteHQ

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

@NeinQuarterly

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

@SortaBad

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

@1CleverGirl1

3 days ago I ate my daughters’s m&m’s while she was napping. When she woke I told her the cat ate ’em She’s still mad at the cat. Dumb kid.

@with_a_ph23

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?