Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
You Might Also Like
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.