My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
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Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls