Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it

Checkmate Jesus.

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance

Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

I triple waxed for this?