Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.