Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*

My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…