Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?

Me: Ye-

Husband: NO MORE BABIES.

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: oh god

doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”

They were going to a funeral.

My Sentiments Exactly

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*

Me: “How do you pronounce that?”

Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”