My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
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KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
When your diet is finally over.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe