My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
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Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall