My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
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In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.