My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
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I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Mood.. 😂
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq