My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
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Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Stop sending me this shit.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Monday
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
