My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
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If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.