My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
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[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.