My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
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Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.