My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
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The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.