Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.

scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.