My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
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Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
idk flipping houses looks really hard
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better
same bro
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.
Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.Bread.
The kid likes bread.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.