Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

Brains are sexy

Wish everyone had one

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?