Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

me when the borders lift

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

*names my little horse OneTrick*

All my passwords are protected by short term memory loss.

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole