My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
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[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see