Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

Well well well…

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap

ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮

Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!

Me: Have you ever had an accident?

Her: No, I’m on the pill.

Me: (Sigh)

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath