My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
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not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns