My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
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Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.