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tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Finally, an explanation.
So Hamburger help me, God
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
you’re damn right i have
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.