My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
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My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.