My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
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Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!