My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
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I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
I feel seen.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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