My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
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Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
i meant to share this earlier
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
The Compass
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
This one, by a wide margin
