My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
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booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”