@JohnLyonTweets: My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
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@DannyZuker: You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
@Book_Krazy: *Aquarium GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off...ma'am don't flash the octopus ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
@thenatewolf: *First day as an exorcist* ME: [voice a bit louder than normal] Just gonna put this GHOST PIE on top of this harmless pile of leaves. Sure hope no GHOSTS see it...
@: exec: So what do we think women want in fashion? women: Pocke-- exec: Cold shoulder tops in pastels. Got it. women: Pock-- exec: Clothes with pre-made holes in delicate fabrics. women: Po-- exec: Cut-outs in flabby areas. Good. women: POCKET-- exec: Shapes that require new bras!