@JohnLyonTweets

My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”

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@garrettbarry70

I have a CW who can’t input data into a spreadsheet without whispering each number so don’t tell me about your day.

@SardonicTart

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

@JustMeTurtle

[From the other room]
14: Dad, help, the printer won’t print.
Me: But… I just got home.
14: I need it for a Zoom class.
I just laid down on the couch.
14: You want me to tell my teacher that?
No, Dog’s laying on me tho..
14: Dog ate my dad so I can’t do my homework?
Exactly!

@Diversion50

[supermarket]

*Unpacks 60 items of groceries onto checkout area*

CHECKOUT GIRL: I have a boyfriend.

ME: Oh, OK.

*slowly repacks trolley*

@TheTweetOfGod

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

@CraigChamberlin

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.