I have a CW who can’t input data into a spreadsheet without whispering each number so don’t tell me about your day.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
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Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
[From the other room]
14: Dad, help, the printer won’t print.
Me: But… I just got home.
14: I need it for a Zoom class.
I just laid down on the couch.
14: You want me to tell my teacher that?
No, Dog’s laying on me tho..
14: Dog ate my dad so I can’t do my homework?
*Unpacks 60 items of groceries onto checkout area*
CHECKOUT GIRL: I have a boyfriend.
ME: Oh, OK.
*slowly repacks trolley*
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.