My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
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Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
(by @ZachWeiner )
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*